There comes a time when we 'just know' a relationship is over. We dread his touch, avoid his gaze and yet somehow can't bring ourselves to walk out the door - yet.If you're still building up to telling your bloke it's over please be kind, and whatever you do, don't say anything like this in the final few days or weeks for him to mull over when you're gone...
Sucking up to your man to buy you an amazing pair of shoes is forgivable in normal circumstances, but if you've made the 'decision' then conning him out of cash before you run off with the bloke from accounts will make him feel used. We don't care how gorgeous those stilettos are lady!
When to keep your mouth shut
1. Will you buy me a...?
Sucking up to your man to buy you an amazing pair of shoes your pitiful wage won't stretch to is forgivable in normal circumstances, but if you've made the 'decision' then conning him out of cash before you run off with the bloke from accounts will make him feel used. We don't care how gorgeous those stilettos are lady!
2. I've never liked your best mate
Don't say anything horrible about your man's mates, family or even dog. You may not get along perfectly with everyone in his life, but try your hardest to be diplomatic. Be open-minded about what he sees in them. Let's face it, he's going to need them more than ever after you've split and run.
3. Are you nearly finished yet?
If you're still having sex with him don't, whatever you do, make any kind of quip or comment about his performance. It's likely he knows something is up, so saying anything about his prowess is only going to damage his probably already fragile ego. Besides, it's unkind to spoil him for the next girl.
4. Will you take me to that Will Young concert?
Ordinarily asking to go to a concert together is a perfectly reasonable request but dragging your man along to act as coat donkey/arm candy for the night is unacceptable if you plan to end it soon. If going to a Will Young concert full of screaming girls will be purgatory for him don't ask – invite a girlfriend instead.
5. My Gran thinks you're really nice
Nice is probably the worst word you can use to describe a man, it's the epitome of all euphemisms and should be obliterated from the English language according to most men. It means he's a safe wholesome boy and not the manly, edgy individual he's been trying to be for years – and who cares what your Gran thinks anyway!
6. My ex was really good at that
Men are competitive. They get curious about how they compare to the chap that was with you before so if you feel a shred of human decency towards him, say nothing about your ex. We don't care if he was a devil at DIY or not. Don't make your parting gift a dose of the green-eyed monster and a dented self esteem.
7. Have you thought about joining a gym?
"But I thought you liked me as I am?" retorts your ego-wounded fella. Don't say anything negative about his appearance for him to dwell on – whether or not it comes from a genuine desire for him to get on the treadmill to give him more of a chance of finding 'Miss Right' after you've gone.
8. I've booked a fantastic holiday with the girls
This gives out a clear signal that you either need time alone or some unadulterated fun to check out what else is on offer. He will also worry about the unwritten man code of 'what goes on tour stays on tour'. If you've paid for it out of the joint account, pay it back immediately - otherwise that's just cruel.
9. I had a hot dream about Hugh Jackman last night
Having dreams about other people is fine but why tell him about them? Insecurities about performance and his physical stature will immediately play on his mind and how would you like it if he told you of a dream about Cheryl Cole? So keep it to yourself, especially if you're dreaming of making a get away.
10. Did you brush your teeth tonight?
Halitosis is not pleasant but if you've given up on strategically placing the mouthwash in front of his toothbrush, ask yourself - is his breath really so offensive to your olfactory senses that it warrants comments or should you just hold your tongue and give him what will probably be one of his last kisses goodnight...
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Wednesday 31 March
By Sadie May
Is it okay to comment on his tiny donger?
Reply
Wednesday 31 March
By Billy Boy
yes of course it is, as long as you dont mind when he comments on your, crap tits,chapped uneven hairy nipples, fat arse, bucket fanny, stretch marks, thrush, and all your other imperfections not to mention embittered pesonallity!
Wednesday 31 March
By Sadie May
Why, Billy Boy - you must be clairvoyant, young man!
You've described my fabulous physical attributes to a tee. I only hope my 'little willy' joke didn't cause offence. Please - by way of restarting our relationship on friendly terms - feel free to pop by soon and rattle your tiny todger about in my big old trout-bucket
Wednesday 31 March
By REG
Raw nerve there, Billy Boy? PMSL!
Reply
Wednesday 31 March
By Gillian
That cheered me up no end! you must have hit a nerve sadie may, wee billy took offence! lol
Wednesday 31 March
By bernie
hey reg. you did not mention that they fart worse than men i no i got blasted one night. and the pong was that bad i ended up in hospital with a severe asthma attack. so these woman are nowt but godshyts and piss takers . i new on a long time ago . she said i was the first there . the lieing mare was werse than a trout bucket. isaw the propelers angin out they were the propelers of a nuclear sub
Wednesday 31 March
By David Blunden
Do you mind if I keep the five ruby eternity ring you gave me yesterday? from poodlefaker
Reply
Wednesday 31 March
By miss s
haha can't actually stop laughing! Its best not say "it's not you, its me..." by sister said that and her partner (now her ex) turned around and said "i was going to be polite but now you mention it, you're right!!"
Reply
Wednesday 31 March
By BillyBob
If you give em what they need they don't dump you, I love girls I reckon everyone should have at least 2, one for fucking and one to do all the shit jobs around the house, mind you if you get 2 bi girls they can both do both and give you some additional entertainment.
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Wednesday 31 March
By REG
Bernie, my illiterate little chum, that comment of yours is pretty much indecipherable.
Next time get a grown up to help you with your spelling, punctuation, etc.
Good luck!
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